Parental Alienation My Child's Behavior is Unbearable

hi everybody so I'm jumping on here I'm actually in a Denny's in Gary Indiana and I just want to make sure I kept my promise it's all of you and jumped on here live all this week and today I was thinking about the behaviors and the changes in my children's behaviors when I was going through alienation so I wanted an opportunity to talk to all of you and by the way I wanted to give a shout out to everyone hey Darlene everyone in Dallas if all of you don't know it's been a tough day for me I'm not in Dallas Texas right now but many many many people I know and love and

dance with and and have been friends with for many years some of some of all of my children's lives and they live there so I've spent a lot of time today connecting to making sure they're okay so shout out to everyone in Dallas I'm glad that everyone is doing fine or okay sorry for all of the loss of homes and businesses but you know Texans are tough and they will rebuild so on to our topic so your children's behaviors are changing right and what I specifically wanted to talk about tonight is did you perhaps use it one of the times one of the few times maybe one of the last times that you actually got to see your

child and I apologize if there's too much background noise can you guys let me know if you can hear me okay I might want to put the headphone on you're wearing it looked into my computer so you guys tell me have you did you have a time when you just absolutely lost it when your kids were there because you just didn't understand what was happening for changing so I'm gonna talk to you today about some of the reasons that that's happening and some things that you might do okay so giving people a few minutes to jump on and let me tell you who I am if you don't know I'm sherry Palmer with six

family courts and this weekend Monica and I are doing workshops on separate days she's doing one called me the lighthouse and I'm doing one about parental alienation so okay so let's talk about you and your child in that relationship and how it's changed it almost seems like it's overnight rate you are fine your kids come over or child and they start talking back to you uh I've seen rude you know things you never ever allowed before and as soon as you try to discipline them they lash out more right they might run out the door say they're going to moms or dads house they don't want to be with you anymore they might even start saying things like

I'm just gonna tell the judge right if you don't let me do this or you upset me so they start to get like this idea that you're not allowed to parent so what can happen is you can have a disagreement you can get into a conflict with them you might even tell them hey follow the rules of my house then you you don't need to be here and bam that's their opportunity to take off right and I know some of you that we've been working with some moms some dad's that did happen it's mostly moms actually that I hear complain that they say that's it I'm at my limit you're gonna go to your

dad's house okay that's actually happening way more than than one mom in fact even when I was being alienated I would still pick up the phone and call the dad because you know usually if they were acting up that's the person you know you would go to when you were married right you'd be like well you know we're gonna have a talk and but down handle some of this because you guys do have different roles and I would still do that and pick up the phone and the difference was now they are not supporting your relationship with your children are they now they're actually conspiring with the child and saying things like well yeah I'm sure your mom

did irritate you or your dad irritated you or what what did she do now I'm those were comments that he would say like I'm sure that that it wasn't all your fault and then the kids will make up excuses I remember having to get on that phone and say really seriously you're not gonna you're not gonna back me up here because this is about parenting and no they don't they don't back you up so you lose that support system the child loses that authority that that I'm not gonna call it co-parenting because it doesn't mean you guys always agreed but I'm just saying that there is a total shift in behaviors coming from the other parent and your

child and then what happens is once the child does decide that's it I'm not gonna come back you said don't come back even though you didn't really mean it then the reason the relationship gets more and more is your not allowed to work through those issues like you would normally it with normal parenting time right this is why it's so important that parents and children get that equal time together no matter what their feeling is about you that gives them time to work through these issues right so think back during the time when you were so married or when you guys didn't disagree so much or the courts run were inflaming the two of

you what would happen is the child maybe would storm off to their room or go to the school the next day maybe not even talk to you for a day or two or a few days but they would still have to see you right and interact with you in some ways they'd still have to eat I know some of them for a little while let's say oh I'm not gonna eat but you know how long that lasts right so eventually it kind of wears off wears down and you get to work through those issues and they learn a valuable skill from that those children learn how to work through those conflicts and how to work through

those issues so when you are alienated and that child doesn't come back to you and that court supports that other parent keeping the child from you just because the two of you had a conflict a flare-up a blow-up a blowout they are hurting that child's future development because that child never learned to work through those relationships with you and I'm sure you guys have all heard that when a child is able to cut out a critical family member in their life a blood relation like you especially a natural parent what do you think happens later in their relationships like when they get into a marriage what do you think is gonna happen their chances to

get divorced skyrocket because now it's even easier to cut somebody out that's a I'm in a blood relation it's even easier to dump them it's even easier to walk out that's how they learned to solve their problems so all the more reasons for you two keep fighting for that relationship with your child to fix or correct this system to keep looking for solutions and ways to resolve what's going on even if that means that you're gonna have to constantly deal with the fact that these children's attitudes are gonna be bad for a while and you're gonna have struggles with trying to work through it like you can't do the normal parenting okay so we're we're going to

talk about some of the solutions you can't do the normal parenting you don't have the time you can't wait them out you can't slowly try to try to convince them to change their attitude or the behavior can you know so you're gonna have to come up with other tools and other ways to be connected to children so one way is Monica's gonna introduce you to some of those on Saturday and the other way is making sure that you know how to leave breadcrumbs for them right so let's say so I'm going to give you a couple hints - I don't cover a whole lot of this in my workshop but I had to use

some of these techniques one of them is - every time you do get an opportunity to have an interaction with them you don't address the topic directly okay if you try to bring it up head-on it's gonna turn right back into that pattern they've they've created this bad cycle this bad pattern and they will start either cursing you out calling you names anything - shut it down because it's painful for them and they didn't learn how to work through it so you can't address it head-on so what I suggest is that you have other topics you're talking about and relate it to something similar right especially if you've got a kid that you know 9 10

11 this is easier to do it with so for example like if they have a reading project and they notice they notice a character that is acting up have a very good relationship with their parent use those examples but don't even get close to relating it to the two of you they will catch it on their smart so you just have to teach through other examples and you know what that does to one it relieves the pressure on them from feeling guilty about how they treated you and two you're still teaching them you're just kind of teaching them lens if you're like a teacher right so you have to step back a

little bit and not be so wrapped up in the fact that you are the parent right and that you get to tell them what to do you do have to change your parenting styles I do hate that part by the way because your authority has been affected tremendously so tell me what you guys have tried right maybe the story situation didn't work for you or doesn't what works for you tell me you know what was it has worked but let me give you another example so I had a parent that I worked with that I do work with and they have difficulty with their child being rude not wanting to follow instruction

and in fact threatening to go to the other parents home and now don't need not to come to their home at all and so a lot of times they don't this is a teen a young teen like 13 year old so what did I suggest that that parent you so what I said because of course the alienating parent isn't gonna make them go right and we all know how difficult it is to get into court to try to enforce it and that the courts picked aside and they don't really honor their orders they're very reluctant to enforce them and it's very expensive so what you can do is you can say first of all talk

to the other parent I know that's difficult put it in writing do whatever you need to do but say hey if the child's not going to come and see me because not all the parents are completely resistant on everything right ask them well actually tell them since it's your time don't ask them tell them since it is your time the child needs to get permission from you if they want to go see movies if they want to go spend the night at their friend's home so if they choose not to come to your home then they still need to get permission from you so you make sure you make it clear to the other parent but that is your

time your decision-making time that the court ordered that it's your time and if that parents refusing to make them come until you can get that changed you need to be the authority figure right so try it it has actually worked for some parents some are like oh no they're never gonna do this they're never gonna go for it but you know what sometimes the other parent wears down too because the child starts to act up on them as well this doesn't just get isolated with you believe it or not and so especially if your dad right moms tend to you know they they really and I'm not saying this is every single one but from my own

experience and from the experience I've had dealing with moms usually you really really get tired of the kid constantly being rude talking back you know acting like hey you know I've been allowed to do it to dad so I'm gonna start doing it with you and you're gonna have a hard time shutting it down so dads if you're having that trouble talk to the mom and say hey look you're not gonna make him calm you're saying he's too big he's getting older he's stronger than you the cops won't force him so then I get to tell him whether or not he gets to do things during that time and then you have a talk with that

child son daughter this is my time you may be able to make decisions and say I'm not coming but you don't get to do anything fun or special or shopping or anything during my time because mom's not going to give you that permission so this forces the kid to have to come to you if they want to do anything fun or get anything during that time it may or may not make them come to you but I can tell you it has worked for a few the parents that I've worked with and so mom's let's say you're dealing with a dad who's encouraging the alienation try the same thing it may or

may not work the same way but it's worth a shot right what else have you tried what else have you tried have you found other things that have worked so let me see um so Carol Carol says she lost her crap over him hurting his little sister because his dad had been telling him since she was born that mom wants her more and she replaced him oh my gosh Carol something similar happened to me I had I have a stepladder and my ex used to tell my children that I loved her more that I treated her more special when we would go shopping like to the game store game shop she would have like

more credits or coupons were more money that my kids would because she would get it from the other side of the family and their dad would say I was giving that more to her right that was so difficult and my kids believed it as well so yes Carol you do have a problem that's pretty serious if your kid is hurting the other child and certainly you can't allow that to happen and unfortunately you're in a situation where you are gonna have to tell that child but it's unacceptable behavior in my house you guys have half the parent as scary as it is as much as they might run you're actually doing them more a disservice if

you don't parent you might have to you know do it a little easier than you normally want to like maybe you can't take their phone away as a punishment we actually had orders that restricted us which is very very harmful as well everyone because my kids as well as Ron would stay up all night looking at their computer screen chatting with other parents getting that constant influence to be negative sometimes late into the night I'd walk into the room there they were on their phones and here we read parenting articles that say that's horrible it's harmful for the kid yet you can't do anything to stop it so you're gonna have to look past the

things you can't stop it is making it more difficult on parenting but Carol if they're hurting your child you know you may just have to say I can't you know he can't be in your home and not follow your rules so you're gonna have to either find a way to separate them or you're gonna have you know they're driving it to the point where you can't have them around the other child so I'm not a therapist so I don't know all the answers but if you guys have one please comment down there and in in the box I had a little bit of experiences where the kids would pick on each other but I

tended to be able to get that calmed down and they would stop after a while which you might try Carol I know most people don't like to bring the police into this but that did actually help my situation a few times I did actually bring the police to my home one because we would get falsely accused like if I had to restrain him like in in a not a harmful way but you know how sometimes a kid's saying hey I'm gonna go jump out this window which did happen they didn't my kid didn't jump out but they actually said I'm gonna jump out this window you make me stay here this weekend so I actually held them like you

know where they're facing you and you just kind of hold them in a bear hug so they calm down you know it's kind of like that hug theory well what would happen is they would go back to Dad's house and say oh they abused me they manhandled me they touched me as squeeze me they hurt me right so I would have to call the police so they could supervise to see I'm not hurting him or her I have to do this because they threatened to do that or look the pouring oil all over my floor tearing my house up throwing things at me biting me and be careful with that by the way if you say your

child's hurting you the police will want to arrest your child and that's not good for anybody so be really careful about if you did get hurt in the altercation between you and your child but the reason and I did call them out a couple times as well is because they will talk to the child and they will tell the child this is your parent they have the authority to tell you what to do because I remember my kids saying at one point and they were close to the ages of your children Carol I think my son was 9 or 10 so that 7 to 13 age group that you're posting here that is the age group where

they do start to tip like this and get and become alien a 7 it's a little young but I do remember them repeating some of the negative slurs that their dad would say at that age and then about 9 10 and 11 they really stepped it up 13 it really sets it and they get really stubborn so because that's when the hormones kick in as well and now their head isn't quite as clear but back to the police talking to your child and maybe you take them down there if you're able to set of the cops coming to your house but they talk to them and they say look you are an authority because I

remember my kids would say I don't have to follow your rules in your house or they tell Ron because he and I had gotten married during this time and he was their stepdad they'd say I don't have to listen to my stepdad he's not in authority he has no authority over me so I actually had to have an outside source tell them and by the way counselors as outside sources to tell your children these things that was not effective in my situation one they don't have you in the room with them you don't really know what they're telling your children and two I never ever got feeling that they were supportive over our relationship

because when they would meet with me after they've met with the children they would tell me things like well do you think it's such a good idea that you keep going on this litigation you know the kids are really expressing that they're happy over at their dad's home so I I didn't get the feeling that they were actually very supportive my methods my decisions with my children and that wasn't helping at all they became part of the problem with alienation so if you guys have therapists that are talking to your children and you may not have any choice it could be the other parent taking them to the therapist but if you have a

person who has a narcissistic behavior they probably aren't taking them to a therapist or if they are not for very long because as soon as one doesn't feel like they're agreeing with them they're gonna cut their kids away from that so but if you're dealing with pathological liars they on the other hand you know they're gonna well they're kind of similar they want to have all the influence over the child so yours lasted three years Wow Carol so it's been a long time since you've seen your child that is really really difficult so there there are lots of things that you can do to make sure that when you get reconnected with your child it's not as

much of a shock for your child one is make sure that you have books with memories and then picture books set those up I know they'll stop at a certain point because after a certain point you know having interactions with them so you don't have those beads together like you're not adding beads to your necklace as Amy Baker would describe it but what you do is you put in things that are that's going on in your life right so continue that picture book with days that you thought about them and things that you would do for them and yes they might get a little sad when they eventually get to look at it

but they will know that you were thinking about them you never stop and and don't think about the things you don't know about them right now by the way if you do that that brings back pain for you and trauma for you I used to do that I'd walk into Barnes & Noble and I'd be like I don't even know what my children's books are that they like to read anymore you always know things they to read any shopping spree I would find something that I would associate with something my children would like have four kids and I would get it for them I'd know their color that they like the the topic of the week or the month that

they were into right I didn't know that after a while and then as more time went on I wasn't even sure what they looked like after a while anymore so that's a different topic for another time as you all know it's difficult for me to talk about this stuff because it is those are traumatic times so put those books together and put memories together and keep those memories going so that your child can feel like they know you when they do get connected with you again because if they have that big gap if you have that big gap they do too so they need to feel like that gap can be filled

in somewhere they're gonna want to know all about what did you do during that time remember when I started getting reconnected with my kids they're like what have you done with your life do you do you still have these goals what do you do for work now what did you do over that time period we didn't see each other right and they especially you know what was especially hard for my kids they don't like to hear that you weren't pursuing your dreams any longer they don't like to hear that you were that you're not involved with things that you used to be involved in and they don't like to hear that you don't have

passions in life anymore I know it may be the case and mine had to come to the realization that I now do this kind of work that this is my mission that this is my passion now that was very very hard for them to understand and accept because they they kind of expected that I would just go on with life that my life would just keep going the way it did like it wouldn't change but I think and this is something you need to understand that the reason they didn't think that my life should change is because that was their connection to me right so those changes you make in your life and the fact that you're now an

advocate or an activist in this area and part of this movement makes you a stranger to them and that's why they pushed back like if they're with you and they notice that you're working on this you say honey baby I'm working on this so that I can be with you it also makes you a stranger to them so it's not hey Sherry's supporting the court scene don't talk about it that you're working on courts and legislation no absolutely not I'm just asking you to be aware that that makes you a stranger to your children because it's nothing they ever knew it's it's not who they knew you were right so just be cognizant of those

things and I hope some of these things help you put things into a different perspective start to start to correct your mindset about things and be able to start to work on a plan to not only continue to fight for your child but also to continue to create and develop something for your child so that they can remain connected to you when you do get reconnected and I'm sure Monica's gonna go over a lot of that stuff in her workshop and that's this Saturday and I have a link on my page and I put a link to these on these videos every time I do them so you can go there and take hers

and then you can come the very next day and take mine and you know it was very therapeutic for me to go to webinars workshops conferences on this topic you may think it causes more pain and it does it does in a sense but it's also very healing and it helps you focus on the right things and it also helps you work on things where you're not having to think of all of this on your own because you're already taxed with having to handle a lot of stuff right for it deeds and what's coming up next and well you know how you're gonna how you're gonna approach the next hearing or the next continuance and and what do

you do in the mean time and how do you get your kid to come right you've got a lot of things on your plate a lot of things on your mind so what it what else is going on Carol because they did want to spend a little time with you guys looking at your comment ok so Carol I'm glad to hear that doesn't get that serious to where it's dangerous but you know they they can start to escalate because what might be happening with your son is he could be getting told by the other parent to cause you trouble to escalate things and if it's not causing you enough trouble to where you say hey

get out and don't come back then dad may say to your son to escalate it and I don't know if your son has any other siblings on the other side or step-siblings but they also can start contributing they can also become alienator x' and your child will have expectations put on them to act up and quote unquote as my children are told do their part so they believe that they are assisting their family on the other side and by the way they'll be told you aren't family you aren't family anymore so you're just a nuisance you're intrusive and you're not gonna be able to battle that like I said don't bring that up head-on right just find books I

used to read to my son at night sometimes he would act really irritated about it but I also knew that he also enjoyed the fact that I was spending time with him and I wasn't addressing things directly with him so it allowed him to process things and think through it and then I would talk about it and in the context of the characters in the story and sure sometimes he'd be like oh I think you're talking about us because if the stories get too close to the conflict you just had they might shut down but just realize that's because of guilt they're having guilt and that's trauma for them which is why I said kind

of dance around it right and teach them those tools those survival tools so when they get upset and you know I wanted to say something I've heard some of you guys say you're so proud of your children for standing up for what they believe I did that too but at the same time the kind of it kind of contradicts how I how you feel at the time too because they're standing up against you and they're not actually standing up for something that's that's good so be careful if you say you're standing up for what you believe in because alienation is not really the child's beliefs as much as they're gonna try to try to convince you

it's their beliefs it is not really their beliefs okay so you all if you haven't learned these things about alienation I seriously encourage you to go on and read some of dr. Craig Childress's old material that he had up there had a lot about the way that the relation the minds the minds work and J Michael bone dr. bone go on his YouTube videos they're very very good read dr. war shocks book books and papers and get as much information Oh jaws a nerd has a really good book on parental alienation get all of those books read all of those books and learn about the actual condition so that you understand what is happening I can't

tell you how life-changing that was for me how that changed my entire case and how that helped me have a more successful relationship with my children before that I didn't have a clue what was happening I was freaking out thinking this cannot be my kids this cannot be my life this can't be happening so I encourage you to learn about that so okay so Carol you're saying the he's afraid of his dad he comes on melash okay so yeah that's another good point Carol thank you so much the kids get very frustrated they don't like being used for these things and while they're in the period of transition it is a lot of pressure right if you think

it's bad that that you're having to deal with the behaviors think about how they must feel having the pressure of having to do these things see the parent that they love they love both of you they don't want to do this they don't even understand why a parent who loves them it's asking them to do it so and I can tell you the things that I'm telling you it is successful I am reconnected with all of my children we were alienated for about seven years my two oldest I did get my two younger ones back in court before they aged out and I was able to share them equally with the dad so that's the other thing

is you guys will be told you got to cut out a toxic parent well not always and you really need to think about this your children have a relationship with that parent what you need is protection from the court to not benefit the other parent for doing those things for violating the children's rights to be with you and for violating what's in the children's best interest you need the court to protect you from that once you get that protection like I eventually did it was a huge fight you guys it took me years so it's not an easy thing it can happen with some courts there are some courts where it's just absolutely not gonna happen and

you're just gonna have to take other paths so I'm gonna leave you guys with this remember that there are some things that are not going to be in your control you've got to realize that we may all have had a vision about what kind of parent we were gonna be and that vision didn't include not being able to raise your child after they turned five or seven or nine or thirteen it didn't include the child being gone at that age it included your parenting them all the way through 18 and then getting into all their other life milestones as an adult and being part of their life and having going on happily

having raised a child have them being grateful and basically you having control over what they were exposed to and how you raised them you've got to come to the conclusion that life does not always work that way and you just it may not be in the cards that you're gonna have control over your children at those ages all the way to 18 you just you may not get that opportunity you wouldn't be here if you were getting that opportunity would you so as frustrating as it is and I'm not telling you to stop fighting because I didn't either but I still had to change my perspective and say I'm gonna fight but it just it it may not be successful

and it may not be in the cards for me to be able to raise my children all the way through 18 like I thought I would be protected to be able to do okay so think about that you guys tell me how that works for you let me know if you have questions about it and some reason this thing doesn't show me everybody writing here so if you guys have comments tell me what's happening with UG are you having children who are misbehaving have your children's behaviors changed have they stepped up the campaign do you think that they are in the stages where they are now becoming the alienator comment down below right and let me know

how you're handling it okay so Carol also said you had him in therapy during court because he talked about like that's really scary Carol so none of mine ever did that the first thing dad did was take him out okay sounds about right because dad probably knows he he wasn't or probably figured he wasn't really suicidal he probably figured that was just part of the campaign that's always scary it's always dangerous we did have a situation Ron's daughter towards the very end she started saying things like that but it's hard to tell if it's campaign sometimes it's hard to tell if you know it's real and you don't want to not be safe about

it but sometimes I need to say this but sometimes it's another manipulation but again you don't want to take chances so you do what you feel needs to be done but I will tell you there were some things that my daughters would do one one in particular and I remember at one one time when dad reported a false CPS claim how they were appalled the CPS worker was appalled with me on multiple occasions by the way because I wasn't about to let them run my life or tell me how to raise my children but they were appalled that I did not rush my daughter to a therapist when she had like you

know how some kids though they'll cut themselves she started to do that not super deep just lightly on the arm and I saw I asked her what why are you doing this you know I wanted to make sure I could still feel and then and that was actually her last response her original response was oh this is just a fad at school this is this is people are trying so she was copying other kids at first but then as the divorce went on and she got more and more distressed then she started telling me it was to see if she could still feel things right because she didn't want to cope with all of the

negativity and all Changez and all of that now did that make it dangerous not in my opinion because once she stopped doing it we checked all the time so we didn't give her opportunity and the rest of the signs right there you are an adult it doesn't always take a therapist to tell you everything and that yet in the courts and CPS they will treat you like everybody else has to tell you what you need to do with your child or wing your child's at risk when they're not and every little thing that child does every little stressor that they have they want you to run them into a therapist otherwise all of a sudden you became a

bad parent yeah and it's not required when you're married right if you choose to manage that now if it gets out of hand for you of course you're gonna seek a therapist or somebody - a pastor or a friend or whoever you think is knowledgeable who can help you with the skills needed to help that child but no CPS wanted to do a service plan and do all kinds of things of course they only wanted to put my side it on the service plan not dad's side right only my side so of course I walked so just letting you guys know it is possible you can't go up against CPS in fact the more you

let them in your life the more likely did you lose your child and so I stood up to them yes it's a risk but I stood up to them the next time what was on the phone and they were telling me so are you just saying this is a case where you're just trying to win child custody putting words in my mouth you have to shut them down you have to just let them in my situation no no it was a case of I told them my children if they come to my home they will follow my rules I am NOT gonna run my home like their dad and I am NOT gonna run my home according to

what they dictate to me so those were the two run-ins that I had with CPS and if you guys get to know me I stand up for what I believe and I also make sure that I'm aware of the consequences but I feel the consequences are worse when you don't stand up for what you believe so that's who I am and that's who is teaching you these methods and that's right for you then I hope you'll continue to join me and learn and that some of these techniques will work for you because there's nothing more heartbreaking than watching your child goes through the pain and not being able to be there for them right so um see one

more thing from Carol last seen effect she says of our alienation is lack of respect and distrust he thinks I'm a bad mom he scolds me and doesn't listen Carol those those don't necessarily last I think you said he is 13 right yeah does do not necessarily last had the same thing with my son that is just another symptom of the indoctrination like a cult they are acting the way they were taught they were they're expected to act now they also feel very unstable and scared because they've lost a lot of their stability and their stability by the way it's not that you change houses or jobs or you know lots of things are

changing in each of each side mom and dad's household it's the stability they had with the authority from their parents hi Melissa when they lose that authority when you no longer have the ability to exercise discipline in a manner that's effective that leaves your child responsible for themselves at a very young age way younger than they're ready I was on my own at a super young age and I can tell you it creates a lot of rebellion disrespect do you think I respected Authority when I was left on my own took care of my siblings until they got shipped off I was left there to fend for myself do you think I was going to

listen to an adult figure after that happened no I felt like they let me down so I'm telling you from a perspective of I'm an adult child who was alienated as well in a lot of forms and respects also abandoned and that creates a lot of lashing out a lot of disrespect but it's not permanent I love my mom and dad I talk to them frequently I don't I can't even think about not having them I don't hold it against them that there were times when they weren't there for me I know that people have their flaws and I love them for all of their flaws as well and your children do as your children do too so

it is not permanent Carol so change your mind on that hopefully or hopefully I've changed your mind on that just know that it's a phase it can be a very long phase sometimes he's scared and you can't cater and say hey I'm here for you blah blah blah they're not gonna hear it right now just you being there and knowing that they have you as a resource when they when they're able to use you as a resource will help them pull out a bit later on down the road because you know what my kids missed me and they came around once those like claws started to break apart as they started aging and sometimes it takes

some moving away from that other parent I've heard a lot of kids go move in with the parent they were alienated from once they're able to legally move it and with you so it's a matter of time I know you've heard this before but it really is it really is sometimes it's quicker than others right so I was able to break that cycle early on or earlier then then would have happened if the courts had not returned my children to me if they don't return them to you it's gonna take longer okay that's all there is to it but it means you have more time where you're gonna have to build keep building

those picture books and journals that your kids are gonna want to see so they can be connected to you again okay that's the best way to reconnect with your children in my opinion so let me see there was someone okay so Melissa I agree it's very heartbreaking and Melissa says she knows how it made her feel and she can't imagine how it makes them feel not know how to control or even understand what they're feeling exactly Melissa they really don't but that doesn't mean they need a bunch of therapists but I do want to point out your kids don't have the option to just go and find counselors or people to talk to you or

resources necessarily they may not even know to look for them so that's the other thing is make sure when they're at your house that you have those resources available and on a shelf so resources for kids who are alienated things that help explain to them what's happening put them on the bookshelf don't shove them in their face or shove them in their hand or make them do it I tried that I can tell you that that does not go over well but have them there because you know what one thing I did find is they will sneak and look at things especially if they think those are off limits so you could say this is

a shelf for later when you get a little bit older I guarantee you they're gonna sneak and look at it okay so make it off-limits be creative with things like that let's see if we have any other questions so okay so Carol about seeing the lies from his dad that's another thing I did not focus on with my children because that will make them angry more angry with you and you don't want to ruin their relationship with the other parent that's what I was wanting to tell you guys before I go my way I know I keep saying can I finish when my children my two youngest when I got them back of course the first thoughts

are oh my gosh I want to tell them all these things it just were not true I want to prove it to them show them tell them no don't do it a lot of times they've moved on in fact if you if you are fortunate and you do get the children back before they're 18 in your life um you may have to remind them that the campaign is over when the court stuff ends because they will still be riled up but don't teach them about the flaws of the other parent let them have that relationship with the other parent if you have been able to get control again and you're getting the protection

you need from the other parent being able to interfere with your custodian time and therefore they can't complete that alienation then you're no longer in that same danger so recognize when you're not in that same danger zone take that pressure off of them they love that other parent maybe those choices we're not good ones but just give them tools for understanding okay you don't agree with those choices it wasn't healthy to turn them for the other parent to turn them on you but who cares if the other parent lives at that point they're gonna see you they're gonna see the examples that you show them so you're feeling like you need to teach them those are

lies because you don't get that time with them so recognize that recognize that when you do get the time with them that's no longer gonna be as important just trust me on that okay trust me on that don't teach them all the negative bad things about the other parent you don't have to say you support it yourself I used to do all the time I used to say I'm not supportive of it or I don't have the same you know the same free or what do you call it the same structure in my home I used to tell them lines not acceptable to me so you don't lie to me those kinds of things but

don't tell them to go lie to dad don't get him back for anything just trust me on that I have great relationships with my children now put it back this way the relationships that I pretty much had beforehand yes there's the scars in there and everything but it's it's pretty much it's where it's where I have the relationships that I want with my children - the times that I missed with them right so just have the relationship you want with them once you get that control back what if it's not a parent and someone you trusted what do you mean by that Melissa and not even blood-related that happens there were plenty of people

who weren't blood-related who jumped on the bandwagon my ex called them up excuse me for one second my ex called anybody they he caught up with let them know all the way down to letting them know that I was refusing to call my son by a shortened version of his name because he and I dad and I had an agreement that we weren't gonna use nicknames with our children like nickname versions of their name we had nicknames for them but it wasn't a shortened version of their name but of course as soon as he wanted this you know turn the children on me he went right to shortening the name and so when

I wouldn't call him that or I would correct other people when they would use that shortened version of his name it would turn those other people on me so he went and stacked the deck per se right it's like it's like it's it's like building your army he went and built that army and yeah it was uncomfortable there were other people that were helping and but you know it doesn't matter once you get control it doesn't matter so you're either gonna get control again during these formative years with your children or it's gonna wait until they are of aged where they can go move in with you but like I said don't keep them away from that other

parent unless there's a danger issue where they're gonna like abscond with them or disappear or something but don't put pressure on them to not be with or like the other parent just make sure that you're getting that time to influence them as well okay that's the best advice that I can give to you all tonight and this is getting kind of long so no problem Carol and thanks so much for joining me everyone I hope these were helpful tips and don't forget I'll be back on here tomorrow and don't forget about the workshop so please do at least check out the links let us know let me know if you have questions about

them and let me know what else you need and what else you're going through because I would like to cover topics that are meaningful to all of you so Melissa said something you had a stroke and trusted someone to care for them when for leave oh I see what you're saying Melissa so somebody else is trying to get custody because you had to let them be responsible for the children during the time that you were healing dad happens a lot unfortunately and it's really sad because that's not the way you that's not the way the court should be handling it you should as long as you were responsible or you as soon as you

were able found out that your children were being responsibly cared for and your health is managed they should be giving parental rights to other people because of that even if they have a relationship with them now you know what how great is that they you the more people that love and care about your children the more protection your children have in times in cases when you have some kind of critical thing happen right so the courts using that to disadvantage parents and take parental rights from them and make you share them with other people is a horrible horrible design it's awful is on one hand they say be responsible and if you're not

able to do it make sure somebody responsible is doing is taking care of those children and then they punish you right that that's a horrible design you guys can't let that stand you have to argue it you have to recognize it for what it is and put it out there frame it up in your case and say absolutely not my rights are protected my children were cared for responsibly you don't get to excuse me you don't get to use that against me and punch me out it's how I used to talk to the judge you guys people's jaws would hit the floor when I was in the courtroom because I did not

tolerate any crap they couldn't scare me jail didn't scare me because I said I don't have my kids I'll work on this from jail you know I'm literally they didn't know what to do with me right nothing they did scared me once once that happens in your mindset kids like that and and you stay you keep it together and then you use effective arguments you don't want to just go in there and go no screw you bla bla bla by the way my mom did that one time she got a year probation it originally was a jail and they gave her probation but yeah we're mouthy I learned to stand up for myself

but some of you guys need more of that you're letting people walk on you if you're not standing up for yourself because you're afraid of losing your children or you're already losing them so any carrot they hang in front of you now is just a way for them to extort more money from you stay in control over you and your children and chip away at all of the ideas and beliefs and values that you have you can't let that happen because you will become a stranger to your child so you would have accomplished nothing so that's the good reason not to follow what they do no matter how scary it gets it sounds just

like you darling I believe it now I love the stuff you you say and all of you ladies I may not be as familiar with some of you but I love getting to know what watching all of you stand up for yourself repeat these things learn these things weave them into your life okay I love seeing those examples and then coming up with some of your own creative solutions and sharing them with me I want to know how you're doing what your story is what's working and what's not working so let's make this better okay I've been through it I've been successful at resolving it in my situation so now I'm sharing that with

all of you and I'm gonna try to help you Thank You Darlene that's right more power to all of us I'm gonna help you as best I can give you as much information so that you have more ideas to resource that's that's the best thing that you can have and do for you and your child is the frustration comes when you run out of ideas when you run out of solutions so let's keep those ideas flowing let's keep those solutions going okay and thanks everyone for coming tonight Melissa you're going through an appeal sorry send me a private message I've been meaning to get more appeal stuff into my membership site I do have a membership

site everyone if you don't know about it it's a fixed family courts calm slash membership and right now we have lots of material in there and online courses and books my books are in there digitally you can search them but what I'd like to do is do some additional like videos in there to help you guys go a little deeper into some concepts that I've learned and use and had work for me so I'm gonna start doing that in that site too so it'll be a deeper dive it's already a deeper dive into our materials right our online course protecting family rights goes deeper into our book concepts the green book not in the child's best interest

all of this stuff will help you because it helps you know the authority that gives you the right to stand up to those in power and to how to protect yourself especially if they lash out on you like how do you get out you know how do you know how to get out of jail if they put you in jail for standing up to them right so don't make me have to reach out to reporter somewhere where if you guys end up in jail and then you don't know what to do I had to do that for a mom in Fargo one time because she was sitting in jail refused to but at the time the

reporter actually found for her and then I posted something on my blog site for her attorney so don't make me have to go through all of those steps you guys learn it now because there's only one of me and one you guys need to learn it you need to repeat it you need to be teaching it okay we can't all do it so thank you so much for coming I'd love to answer more questions but I really gotta go there's some things I've got to get done and it's towards it thanks Darlene it's stuff that I'm working on for tomorrow and for the workshop and just for continuing to help all of you so

thanks so much and keep messaging me bye everyone see you tomorrow